Hello fans,
Food.
There's no escaping the fact that most of us live to cram something tasty down the old cake hole.
Indeed, my Sainted Grandmother is quoted as saying "When you find me dead in the lounge room, for Gods sake, take whatever I'm eating out of my mouth before the ambulance arrives."
Sage words indeed.
But, (why is there always a but?) it seems that there's a shitful conflict in the world of gobstuffing.
Why does everything that tastes good (fudge, fried chicken, ice cream with cookie bits, double cream, triple cream, quadruple cream cream with fudge, cookie bits and sweet fried chicken etc.) tastes utterly fucking fabulous and all that shit we're supposed to eat (Grass, chaff, those shitful biscuits that taste like cardboard and soy sauce) taste better if you chucked them up?
And why is alcohol, the saving grave of this stoopid planet, also a no-no?
For heavens sake, surely some smart fucker can't invent beer that makes you intelligent and capably horny or chokky that keeps you looking young and virile? (Why are we wasting our time with this moon shit? Just cause you're in zero gravity won't make you're hot pants look any less like you're arse is halfway through eating a pair of track suit pants).
And why is it we have to feel so fucking conflicted about everything we eat? Why is ordering a meal when your in a restaurant a politically charged event that requires you to think "Will this make me fat and ugly so no one will ever want to fondle my pants ever again?" or "Was this dim sim raised in a free range environment so I can happily cram a dozen in my moosh and not have the fear that somewhere a mother dimmy is crying for her delicious children?" or "O.k If have the soup, I won't have dessert, because I'm reached my calorie controlled weight limit of "Sometimes" food, which means that if I order the broom stick salad and don't sip too much water I can have half a fuckin doughnut at Christmas".
And the Tele.
If it's not retarded fucking fatso's belly flopping into a pool of cellulite sucking leeches for cash, it's skinny idiots with stuck on smiles getting a top root coz they look good.
Have you ever sat in a room with any of these people?
Truly after five minutes you just want to eat them or at least shoot them. And then eat them. And them chuck that up and mail it to their relatives.
Bunch of pain in the fucking ass "I look great so there is no problem!" bunch of dipsticks, all feeling righteous in their fucking Lycra shorts, all too fucking paranoid to say "pork crackling" let alone buy a whopping great bag and stuff themselves stupid and flush it all down with Belgian beer made from glucose and sex.
So.....lets once and for all come clean about the whole debacle and take
The "Am I a meant to be skinny or am I just a fatso fooling myself? " quiz
Got a bag of nibblies? Start chomping!
1) When I order a meal in a restaurant I think
a) I'll have the oxygen salad in clean bowl sauce. No one will love me if I look like someone shaved Humphrey Bear.
b) I'll have the three bits of lettuce and only eat half. It turns my lover on to be able to touch my spine through my belly button
c) I'll have the half a banana with lone raisin bake. It's good to spoil yourself.
d) I'll have the cream of avocado soup, followed by the roast pork in Guinness gravy and then just back up that dessert trolley and keep your hands away from me. Fuck you all.
2) When I look in the mirror I think
a) I must get a bigger mirror
b) What the hell is that thing? It looks like an arse, but why is it on the front?
c) Hmmm....I seem to be wedged in this door way.
d) Do they still make those unisex girdles in size 26?.
3) When I'm at the pool i think
a) I'm safe in the knowledge I'm skinny enough to be sucked up by the filtration system
b) How many calories does air have? I notice i get fatter when I breath in....maybe I should have a throat staple like Victoria Beckham
c) I'd like to kill all the skinny people here and stomp around in a wine vat full of their entrails
d) I need a bigger Esky. Four roast chickens and a double pavlova simply isn't enough.
4) My favourite style of food is
a) Vomit
b) Low calorie environmentally friendly slimming pills made by the good people at rabbits arse.com
c) Just licking stuff and then scraping my tongue
d) Anything parmigiana
5) Complete this sentence. "My body is..
a) A filthy parasite from another universe who won't leave me alone and is constantly screaming for food, sex, warmth and shit that distracts me from surfing the universe on the cosmic waves of kick on. Oom mow ma mow mow oom mow ma mow.......
b) Like being encased in a cheap sleeping bag made from fat and poo
c) Like a lost dog who keeps waking up at night farting and needing a wee
d) Like a second hand car given to me by my parents in exchange for grandchildren
6) Complete this sentence. "If I could change one thing about my body I would change..
a) My D.N.A
b) My arse/boobs/dick/stomach/head/legs/eyeballs/face/internal organs/external organs/name and address
c) That dead parasitic twin on my neck
d) Everything into a cool robot that travels through time solving crimes and having weird online sex with intelligent gases from other planets
7) My last meal would be
a) A handful of nutritious berries and mushrooms that make you see God
b) Something that makes me shit something abundant and foul smelling
c) Something endangered and fuzzy
d) Just a salad. I've only ordered a size 8 coffin.
8) I choose restaurants by
a) The quality of the air freshener in the bogs and the sound proofing of the cubicles
b) The "All you can eat and a little bit more!" sign and the caramel spa
c) The fact you hunt your own game and make blood sausage at the table
d) The way It's across from Jenny Craig's. Fuck you, you fat losers! Bring me another boar!
9) When I make love to someone for the first time I
a) Make sure the room is dark, the person is blindfolded and I'm in some sort of doona cover with one or two strategic holes
b) Leave a courtesy bucket next to the bed in case my bag falls off
c) Make sure the ocky straps have pulled my folds apart far enough for my sexy bits to be within arm's length
d) Let them hump any fold they like
10) Complete this sentence. " Food is..
a) The opposite of pretty
b) Like Satan covered in icing sugar
c) Like some sort of magic pump for my arse
d) The secret ingredient in shit
Well how did you go? Lets face it, it won't be long before we're all eating each other in some sort of apocalyptic scene where only the fat will survive, so if I were you I'd get handy with a shotgun and turn to drugs.
You know it makes sense.
Til next time
Cheerio!
Mick "Fudgesmotherer" Dog
Monday, March 31, 2008
Thursday, March 20, 2008
To Bloke or not to bloke?
Hello Fans,
Well its a brave new century allright.
Yes, I know..we didn't get flying cars or teleporters or cure arse cancer or disprove God or any of the cool stuff that was in the brochure.
I'm also painfully aware that this century is also looking pretty fuckin' similar to the last one, what with all the wars and famine and fucking dickheads (and stuff.)
In fact, now I think about it...it seems like this century is only different to last century in the fact that instead of a bucket of shit, we've know got a bucket of shit with a broken handle.
And the bucket leaks.
And the shit has been fermenting in aforementioned bucket for long enough to be noticed by passing aircraft.
Now...once upon a time, (if certain cusp of senility relo's are to be relied upon), a bunch of stand up blokes would have put the shoulder to the wheel and repaired the bucket, plugged up the holes, arranged for one of them to back the ute up and at least have moved the bucket away from the kids at the primary school across the road.
(Poor little buggers trying to eat their jam sandwiches and passing out on the hopscotch. That's not right).
But I can't help noticing that this is not being done.
I also can't help noticing that the current crop of blokes (hmmmm...how to phrase it....) are a bunch of fuckin idiots.
And it's not even the Ladies (who, lets face it, have been carrying on about it for some time) who are starting to get pissed off by this new crop of Spotty Herberts.
It's we old bastards as well.
Case in point-
1) A female friend of mine was doing a new acquaintance in the canine position when she noticed him vidio-ing proceedings and sending it to his cohorts. Poor form? I think so. A complete dog act. No pun intended.
(Well, actually that's a lie. I couldn't resist).
2) The same female friend then met another fellow and whilst they were enjoying a few quiet brews down by a urban river system, the gentlemen the produced a backpack, fossicked about and began to complete his knitting. (Yes, you read right. Knitting. I've asked a couple of ladies about this and they've all agreed that maybe when you've shacked up and you've both decided to knit for war orphans that this behaviour would win you lotsa brownie points. But not on a first date. That's just fuckin wrong).
And these stories keep rolling in......
Q. Did you're last boyfriend ever compliment you?
A. Yes. He said I looked hot when he was fucking me. (How gallant...)
Q. (To female friend) Hi Honey! How's it all going?
A. Yeah. Good. Except my boyfriend was two timing me, dealing smack from our bedroom and when I broke up with him he stole my credit cards and racked up $25,000 worth of debt. He's in Thailand now. Wanna cuppa?
(We'll have to share a tea bag..)
Q. (To another Female friend) Hi Honey! How's it going?
A. Yeah O.k. Except the guy I was seeing accidentally sent me a txt saying that after our date tonight he was going to "Pump that wog bitch fulla custard".
(I can only assume the lad in question wasn't hosting an informal cooking show).
And on they go..........
Now.....I'm not saying that it doesn't take two to tango. It most certainly does.
But when one of the partners (usually the one in possession of a cock) shows up to Samba classes an hour late, with big stoned eyeballs and spew on his cummerbund, we older menfolk's jaw get tight and we yearn for a simpler time, when a bunch of Uncles would show up to a young fool's house and give him a crash course in pleasantries and respect via the Dr. Knuckles poise and etiquette school.
So.....do you dare to take this weeks quiz?
The "AM I A STAND UP BLOKE OR AM I A FUCKING WASTE OF SPACE" ? Quiz
Cracked the top off a stubby?...you're gunna need it.....Lets dance!
1) I can do the following things
a) Split a block of wood, change a tyre, yell at a dog, change a tap washer, throw a punch, reverse with a trailer on, read a map, put up a tent, lift heavy objects, hold my liquor, piggy back children under ten for long periods of time, get a barbie going (including refilling the gas bottle), nail something together, tie more than four knots, thread a fishing line, gut a fish, load a gun, make anything edible given enough sauce, argue your point, bring a woman to orgasm (more than once), buy a new pair of pants, get along with the Missus's family, assemble furniture, kick a footy.
b) Program an Ipod, replace a printer cartridge, hook up speakers, know what right clicking a mouse does, handle a credit card, cook something containing more than four ingredients, buy Tampons, remember birthdays, bat a ball, wash something via a washing machine, wash a plate leaving no residue by hand, read instructions, know when to say "I'm pissed enough", chuck a convincing sickie, ride a motorbike, fix a pushy, build a billy cart, connect a DVD/or any other bullshit to the tele and use the new remote, wait in a shopping centre without looking like a lost dog.
c) Get to the Bottle-o before it closes, make a mix, own funny movies, have a nudie calendar, have casual sex, can put on a condom before things cool down, drive comfortably at 20kms over the speed limit, cheer up a mate, do something for nothing, eat yer better halves shit house attempt at a new recipe and look like you're enjoying it, bang out a tune on an instrument, catch a wave, euthanise an animal, bring the washing in, talk with other blokes, own a toolbox that's seen the light of day.
d) None of the above. Mum does all that for me.
2) My relationship with my father is
a) Pretty good, even though he shits me a bit when he pretends him and a mate invented non stick cookware on a fishing trip using Snapper guts.
b) O.k I have a timer on my phone that lets me know when I've done more than 45mins with silly old bastard and I can leg it off.
c) Yeah....allright.....we get along better when I'm as pissed as him
d) Still being defined by out sterling legal system
3) You are walking along when a building bursts into flames. A woman screams "My children are in there!" You're first action is to
a) Convert anything at hand into a sort of heat shield, smash your way to the nippers and fling them out on the lawn
b) Ring 000 and hop about from leg to leg
c) Get your phone out and get as much footage as you can before some other bastard sells it to Channel 7
d) I don't talk to strangers
4) My most bloke moment was
a) Winning the horse riding and wood chop double at the Natimuk show
b) Winning the Footy Grand final and finishing a slab
c) Getting the high score on Grand Theft Auto and whacking it up on Facebook
d) Watching Conan the Barbarian and not feeling aroused
5) My best mate is
a) Honga. When it comes to sticking pigs or reboring the block, there's no better dickhead to make you feel better about yourself.
b) Mick. He's up for a beer round the clock and can move furniture without breaking the Plasma.
c) Doug. If it's pirate downloads or advice on bicycle wheels he's your dude
d) Siebe. He's got perfect buns.
6) You've come into some cash and have a free weekend to do whatever you like. You
a) Get going on the bush block. There's every chance we can get the septic in if the weather holds (and I'm sick of shitting in a bucket. The handle's broken).
b) Fly interstate and catch up with old mate, get on the sauce and kick on old school style
c) See a band, rent some vids, get some drugs, order pizza, see if the ex is up for one last root.
d) Ask Mum if she wants to help me choose a new doona cover.
7) My attitude towards sex is
a) Get a good missus, who give ya a regular ride, doesn't want anything fancy and keeps herself looking o.k.
b) Yeah good. Not the be all and end all, but ya might as well get as much as you can while your dick still works
c) Awesome. It's fuckin' yakka sometimes but worth every cent
d) The Lord says this whole quiz is a mortal sin.
8) If I went to prison for life, the first thing I would do inside is
a) Find the hardest prick in the joint and shank him in the eyeball
b) Stand my ground and fight any bastard who had a go (I knew my Greco-Roman wrestling workshop would be worth the cash)
c) Read "How to relax and stop internal bleeding" as soon as possible
d) Share my feelings
9) I am happiest when
a) I'm out in the bush, cooking a freshly shot duck over a fire with a dog and a beer
b) I'm hanging on the couch with a good lookin' sort with an wallet fulla of cash.
c) I've just blown me load and a song I like comes on the radio
d) I've just swallowed my Prozac
10) Complete this sentence "Men today need...
a) A good kick up the arse, a stint in the Army and a rare steak
b) A bloody good look at themselves, a boot up the bum and boxing lessons
c) A boot in the arse and six months helping poor brown bastards in some shithole country get their blown up village together
d) A hand cream that prevents nail breakage
Well how did you go? Dick still there? I certainly hope so.
Now get outside and make yourself useful.
Til next time
Mick 'A gentlemen can still say cunt" Dog
Well its a brave new century allright.
Yes, I know..we didn't get flying cars or teleporters or cure arse cancer or disprove God or any of the cool stuff that was in the brochure.
I'm also painfully aware that this century is also looking pretty fuckin' similar to the last one, what with all the wars and famine and fucking dickheads (and stuff.)
In fact, now I think about it...it seems like this century is only different to last century in the fact that instead of a bucket of shit, we've know got a bucket of shit with a broken handle.
And the bucket leaks.
And the shit has been fermenting in aforementioned bucket for long enough to be noticed by passing aircraft.
Now...once upon a time, (if certain cusp of senility relo's are to be relied upon), a bunch of stand up blokes would have put the shoulder to the wheel and repaired the bucket, plugged up the holes, arranged for one of them to back the ute up and at least have moved the bucket away from the kids at the primary school across the road.
(Poor little buggers trying to eat their jam sandwiches and passing out on the hopscotch. That's not right).
But I can't help noticing that this is not being done.
I also can't help noticing that the current crop of blokes (hmmmm...how to phrase it....) are a bunch of fuckin idiots.
And it's not even the Ladies (who, lets face it, have been carrying on about it for some time) who are starting to get pissed off by this new crop of Spotty Herberts.
It's we old bastards as well.
Case in point-
1) A female friend of mine was doing a new acquaintance in the canine position when she noticed him vidio-ing proceedings and sending it to his cohorts. Poor form? I think so. A complete dog act. No pun intended.
(Well, actually that's a lie. I couldn't resist).
2) The same female friend then met another fellow and whilst they were enjoying a few quiet brews down by a urban river system, the gentlemen the produced a backpack, fossicked about and began to complete his knitting. (Yes, you read right. Knitting. I've asked a couple of ladies about this and they've all agreed that maybe when you've shacked up and you've both decided to knit for war orphans that this behaviour would win you lotsa brownie points. But not on a first date. That's just fuckin wrong).
And these stories keep rolling in......
Q. Did you're last boyfriend ever compliment you?
A. Yes. He said I looked hot when he was fucking me. (How gallant...)
Q. (To female friend) Hi Honey! How's it all going?
A. Yeah. Good. Except my boyfriend was two timing me, dealing smack from our bedroom and when I broke up with him he stole my credit cards and racked up $25,000 worth of debt. He's in Thailand now. Wanna cuppa?
(We'll have to share a tea bag..)
Q. (To another Female friend) Hi Honey! How's it going?
A. Yeah O.k. Except the guy I was seeing accidentally sent me a txt saying that after our date tonight he was going to "Pump that wog bitch fulla custard".
(I can only assume the lad in question wasn't hosting an informal cooking show).
And on they go..........
Now.....I'm not saying that it doesn't take two to tango. It most certainly does.
But when one of the partners (usually the one in possession of a cock) shows up to Samba classes an hour late, with big stoned eyeballs and spew on his cummerbund, we older menfolk's jaw get tight and we yearn for a simpler time, when a bunch of Uncles would show up to a young fool's house and give him a crash course in pleasantries and respect via the Dr. Knuckles poise and etiquette school.
So.....do you dare to take this weeks quiz?
The "AM I A STAND UP BLOKE OR AM I A FUCKING WASTE OF SPACE" ? Quiz
Cracked the top off a stubby?...you're gunna need it.....Lets dance!
1) I can do the following things
a) Split a block of wood, change a tyre, yell at a dog, change a tap washer, throw a punch, reverse with a trailer on, read a map, put up a tent, lift heavy objects, hold my liquor, piggy back children under ten for long periods of time, get a barbie going (including refilling the gas bottle), nail something together, tie more than four knots, thread a fishing line, gut a fish, load a gun, make anything edible given enough sauce, argue your point, bring a woman to orgasm (more than once), buy a new pair of pants, get along with the Missus's family, assemble furniture, kick a footy.
b) Program an Ipod, replace a printer cartridge, hook up speakers, know what right clicking a mouse does, handle a credit card, cook something containing more than four ingredients, buy Tampons, remember birthdays, bat a ball, wash something via a washing machine, wash a plate leaving no residue by hand, read instructions, know when to say "I'm pissed enough", chuck a convincing sickie, ride a motorbike, fix a pushy, build a billy cart, connect a DVD/or any other bullshit to the tele and use the new remote, wait in a shopping centre without looking like a lost dog.
c) Get to the Bottle-o before it closes, make a mix, own funny movies, have a nudie calendar, have casual sex, can put on a condom before things cool down, drive comfortably at 20kms over the speed limit, cheer up a mate, do something for nothing, eat yer better halves shit house attempt at a new recipe and look like you're enjoying it, bang out a tune on an instrument, catch a wave, euthanise an animal, bring the washing in, talk with other blokes, own a toolbox that's seen the light of day.
d) None of the above. Mum does all that for me.
2) My relationship with my father is
a) Pretty good, even though he shits me a bit when he pretends him and a mate invented non stick cookware on a fishing trip using Snapper guts.
b) O.k I have a timer on my phone that lets me know when I've done more than 45mins with silly old bastard and I can leg it off.
c) Yeah....allright.....we get along better when I'm as pissed as him
d) Still being defined by out sterling legal system
3) You are walking along when a building bursts into flames. A woman screams "My children are in there!" You're first action is to
a) Convert anything at hand into a sort of heat shield, smash your way to the nippers and fling them out on the lawn
b) Ring 000 and hop about from leg to leg
c) Get your phone out and get as much footage as you can before some other bastard sells it to Channel 7
d) I don't talk to strangers
4) My most bloke moment was
a) Winning the horse riding and wood chop double at the Natimuk show
b) Winning the Footy Grand final and finishing a slab
c) Getting the high score on Grand Theft Auto and whacking it up on Facebook
d) Watching Conan the Barbarian and not feeling aroused
5) My best mate is
a) Honga. When it comes to sticking pigs or reboring the block, there's no better dickhead to make you feel better about yourself.
b) Mick. He's up for a beer round the clock and can move furniture without breaking the Plasma.
c) Doug. If it's pirate downloads or advice on bicycle wheels he's your dude
d) Siebe. He's got perfect buns.
6) You've come into some cash and have a free weekend to do whatever you like. You
a) Get going on the bush block. There's every chance we can get the septic in if the weather holds (and I'm sick of shitting in a bucket. The handle's broken).
b) Fly interstate and catch up with old mate, get on the sauce and kick on old school style
c) See a band, rent some vids, get some drugs, order pizza, see if the ex is up for one last root.
d) Ask Mum if she wants to help me choose a new doona cover.
7) My attitude towards sex is
a) Get a good missus, who give ya a regular ride, doesn't want anything fancy and keeps herself looking o.k.
b) Yeah good. Not the be all and end all, but ya might as well get as much as you can while your dick still works
c) Awesome. It's fuckin' yakka sometimes but worth every cent
d) The Lord says this whole quiz is a mortal sin.
8) If I went to prison for life, the first thing I would do inside is
a) Find the hardest prick in the joint and shank him in the eyeball
b) Stand my ground and fight any bastard who had a go (I knew my Greco-Roman wrestling workshop would be worth the cash)
c) Read "How to relax and stop internal bleeding" as soon as possible
d) Share my feelings
9) I am happiest when
a) I'm out in the bush, cooking a freshly shot duck over a fire with a dog and a beer
b) I'm hanging on the couch with a good lookin' sort with an wallet fulla of cash.
c) I've just blown me load and a song I like comes on the radio
d) I've just swallowed my Prozac
10) Complete this sentence "Men today need...
a) A good kick up the arse, a stint in the Army and a rare steak
b) A bloody good look at themselves, a boot up the bum and boxing lessons
c) A boot in the arse and six months helping poor brown bastards in some shithole country get their blown up village together
d) A hand cream that prevents nail breakage
Well how did you go? Dick still there? I certainly hope so.
Now get outside and make yourself useful.
Til next time
Mick 'A gentlemen can still say cunt" Dog
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Work sucks shit Quiz
Hello Fans,
Welcome to the jingle jangle jungle as the old Bob Rose used to say......
Work.
Yes, I know it's all for the good of the country and if we all downed tools and curled up on the couch with a bong or a Barbara Cartland the whole joint would collapse in shit smelling flames by smoko.
I also remember that old Indian version of Kermit the Frog (Mahatma something or other....) saying "Work is love manifest", but that's coming from a guy whose main claim to fame was to make sitting round in a doona cover look important.
We're all running around like mad things, doing anything we can to try and scratch a few bob together so we can have a flutter on the nags or buy a new hip or whatever. But do we like it? (of course not. What a stupid question...)
I know there's a whole bunch of your snooty types, who fancy up the fact that they too have to drag their arse's out from the waterbed on a daily bases and schlep it off with the rest of us by calling it a "Career".
But you ain't foolin' no one.
You can call it "Active Expressionism " or "The Dialectic of Labour Exchange" or "Free Wheeling Cosmic Experience plus Tax", but no matter how frilly you tizzy up the old linguistic frock, the fact remains you have to wash it, iron it and drag it over your head come metaphorical Monday morning and slug yerself off to some shit bloody thing so you can make some moola to keep the wolf from eating your underpants.
It shits everyone. C'mon..admit it...
All those "Look at me, I'm so embarrassed to be honoured" types that clutter up the television, having achieved so much in their chosen field of bloody endeavour, all neglect to mention the fact they've all faked needing a shit so they could while away a few solitary minutes in the bog wondering why they don't just pack it all in.
So...given that we all hate it (those of you saying "But I love my job" can fuck off and adopt another bloody orphan or scrape some oil off an endangered seabird, for all I care.) this weeks quiz will find out just how much spleen squeezing contempt you have for your job, so that you can be safe in the knowledge that work is just a shitfull beast, designed to eat the few precious moments you have in this existence so that instead of climbing those mountains, or building that dream or learning to be the world's funkiest bongo player, you're stuck answering the phone to a bunch of people who feel exactly the same way and want to take it out on you, because you are other people to other people.
Right. Now put down your bottle of sleeping pills and prepare to take ..
The "JUST HOW MUCH OF MY FEW PRECIOUS BLOODY MOMENTS OF EXISTENCE AM I GOING TO SPEND DOING THIS STUPID JOB WITH THESE BUNCH OF ARSEHOLES ?"quiz.
Start revving your engines! We're away!
1) When I wake up and realise I have to go to work my first thought is
a) Noooooo! Jesus Noooo! For the love of God anything but that,,,,please have mercy...there must be some way out...think Goddamit .....think......!!!!!!
b) Mastercard rang again and threatened to cut off my legs.
c) When is this Bird Flu gunna kick in so I can chuck another sickie?
d) Maybe I should start dating the elderly and work some sort of inheritance scam
2) Complete this sentence. My workplace is..
a) Like being hit around the body with a big stick made from boredom
b) Like being on Planet of the Apes during the annual Poo Fling Festival
c) Like being in a sort of waking nightmare that I try and sleep through
d) Like taking eight hours to shit a bowling ball
3) My ideal job is
a) Being asleep
b) Being asleep and having an orgasm
c) Being asleep while having an orgasm and eating Chocolate ice cream
d) Driving a truck through space with and Orang-Utan side kick and having wacky adventures in the 8.30 time-slot
4) I find my co-workers
a) Like the inbred children of Larry, Curly and Moe
b) Hiding in alcoves
c) To have extra or missing chromosomes
d) To be natures finest laxatives
5) I'm entered my current field of employ because
a) That Judge had it in for me
b) The Australian Ballet said they wouldn't pay to reinforce the floor boards
c) My history of hard core porn movies, white supremacist tattoos and having my nose removed for Art still meets with narrow minded prejudice
d) I've been fired from everything else
6) When I daydream at work, I think about
a) Throwing the stapler at that fat bastard who breathes on me at the water cooler
b) Find the most inflammable object I can and flamming it.
c) Going back in time to be the first untalented white person to play bad jazz
d) Starting a cynical Quizblog that I can hopefully fool some body to pay me for
7) The best job I ever had was
a) PIg shooting in the Territory back when you could make your own gunpowder
b) Writing erotica for the school newspaper
c) Back at Rollin' Burger where you could throw hot food at the customers while you got your skating together and the boss just laughed and told them to piss off to McDonalds if they didn't like it
d) Playing bass with my experimental electro funk act "Grover Groover and the Smooth Manoeuvres"
8) Complete this sentence. A good day at work is
a) Up there with World peace, multiple orgasms everytime, fried chicken that makes you skinny and looking good at the beach after you turn 50 as an idea
b) Standing around watching your building burn down and getting the phone number of a spunky fire-person
c) Only possible with just the right cocktail of Prozac and Acid
d) When the blessed redundancy fairy showers you with pay out dust
9) I hope that by retirement I can
a) Walk without wobbling about and complaining about how good legs used to be back in my day
b) Have enough money to afford to live in a brand name cardboard box
c) Stop working stupid jobs that give me the shits, with a bunch of well meaning idiots who have to schedule a meeting to contact a consultancy group to stage a three month study on whether or not they needed to have a shit and is it cost effective to wipe your arse.
d) Find a rest home that allows you to dance the Boogaloo naked.
Well. Howd you go? Ready to pack it in and start living your life? yeah....riiiight.....
Now stop watching freak porn on www.superdoodles.com or colouring in your arse of Facebook and get back to work....
Til next time
Cheerio!
Mick 'An hour simply isn't long enough to get my lunch groove on!" Dog
Welcome to the jingle jangle jungle as the old Bob Rose used to say......
Work.
Yes, I know it's all for the good of the country and if we all downed tools and curled up on the couch with a bong or a Barbara Cartland the whole joint would collapse in shit smelling flames by smoko.
I also remember that old Indian version of Kermit the Frog (Mahatma something or other....) saying "Work is love manifest", but that's coming from a guy whose main claim to fame was to make sitting round in a doona cover look important.
We're all running around like mad things, doing anything we can to try and scratch a few bob together so we can have a flutter on the nags or buy a new hip or whatever. But do we like it? (of course not. What a stupid question...)
I know there's a whole bunch of your snooty types, who fancy up the fact that they too have to drag their arse's out from the waterbed on a daily bases and schlep it off with the rest of us by calling it a "Career".
But you ain't foolin' no one.
You can call it "Active Expressionism " or "The Dialectic of Labour Exchange" or "Free Wheeling Cosmic Experience plus Tax", but no matter how frilly you tizzy up the old linguistic frock, the fact remains you have to wash it, iron it and drag it over your head come metaphorical Monday morning and slug yerself off to some shit bloody thing so you can make some moola to keep the wolf from eating your underpants.
It shits everyone. C'mon..admit it...
All those "Look at me, I'm so embarrassed to be honoured" types that clutter up the television, having achieved so much in their chosen field of bloody endeavour, all neglect to mention the fact they've all faked needing a shit so they could while away a few solitary minutes in the bog wondering why they don't just pack it all in.
So...given that we all hate it (those of you saying "But I love my job" can fuck off and adopt another bloody orphan or scrape some oil off an endangered seabird, for all I care.) this weeks quiz will find out just how much spleen squeezing contempt you have for your job, so that you can be safe in the knowledge that work is just a shitfull beast, designed to eat the few precious moments you have in this existence so that instead of climbing those mountains, or building that dream or learning to be the world's funkiest bongo player, you're stuck answering the phone to a bunch of people who feel exactly the same way and want to take it out on you, because you are other people to other people.
Right. Now put down your bottle of sleeping pills and prepare to take ..
The "JUST HOW MUCH OF MY FEW PRECIOUS BLOODY MOMENTS OF EXISTENCE AM I GOING TO SPEND DOING THIS STUPID JOB WITH THESE BUNCH OF ARSEHOLES ?"quiz.
Start revving your engines! We're away!
1) When I wake up and realise I have to go to work my first thought is
a) Noooooo! Jesus Noooo! For the love of God anything but that,,,,please have mercy...there must be some way out...think Goddamit .....think......!!!!!!
b) Mastercard rang again and threatened to cut off my legs.
c) When is this Bird Flu gunna kick in so I can chuck another sickie?
d) Maybe I should start dating the elderly and work some sort of inheritance scam
2) Complete this sentence. My workplace is..
a) Like being hit around the body with a big stick made from boredom
b) Like being on Planet of the Apes during the annual Poo Fling Festival
c) Like being in a sort of waking nightmare that I try and sleep through
d) Like taking eight hours to shit a bowling ball
3) My ideal job is
a) Being asleep
b) Being asleep and having an orgasm
c) Being asleep while having an orgasm and eating Chocolate ice cream
d) Driving a truck through space with and Orang-Utan side kick and having wacky adventures in the 8.30 time-slot
4) I find my co-workers
a) Like the inbred children of Larry, Curly and Moe
b) Hiding in alcoves
c) To have extra or missing chromosomes
d) To be natures finest laxatives
5) I'm entered my current field of employ because
a) That Judge had it in for me
b) The Australian Ballet said they wouldn't pay to reinforce the floor boards
c) My history of hard core porn movies, white supremacist tattoos and having my nose removed for Art still meets with narrow minded prejudice
d) I've been fired from everything else
6) When I daydream at work, I think about
a) Throwing the stapler at that fat bastard who breathes on me at the water cooler
b) Find the most inflammable object I can and flamming it.
c) Going back in time to be the first untalented white person to play bad jazz
d) Starting a cynical Quizblog that I can hopefully fool some body to pay me for
7) The best job I ever had was
a) PIg shooting in the Territory back when you could make your own gunpowder
b) Writing erotica for the school newspaper
c) Back at Rollin' Burger where you could throw hot food at the customers while you got your skating together and the boss just laughed and told them to piss off to McDonalds if they didn't like it
d) Playing bass with my experimental electro funk act "Grover Groover and the Smooth Manoeuvres"
8) Complete this sentence. A good day at work is
a) Up there with World peace, multiple orgasms everytime, fried chicken that makes you skinny and looking good at the beach after you turn 50 as an idea
b) Standing around watching your building burn down and getting the phone number of a spunky fire-person
c) Only possible with just the right cocktail of Prozac and Acid
d) When the blessed redundancy fairy showers you with pay out dust
9) I hope that by retirement I can
a) Walk without wobbling about and complaining about how good legs used to be back in my day
b) Have enough money to afford to live in a brand name cardboard box
c) Stop working stupid jobs that give me the shits, with a bunch of well meaning idiots who have to schedule a meeting to contact a consultancy group to stage a three month study on whether or not they needed to have a shit and is it cost effective to wipe your arse.
d) Find a rest home that allows you to dance the Boogaloo naked.
Well. Howd you go? Ready to pack it in and start living your life? yeah....riiiight.....
Now stop watching freak porn on www.superdoodles.com or colouring in your arse of Facebook and get back to work....
Til next time
Cheerio!
Mick 'An hour simply isn't long enough to get my lunch groove on!" Dog
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Love or a new beanbag? You choose!
Hello Fans,
Welcome to the ongoing on-goings.
Love.
It's a bit like the remote control control.
When you haven't got it it's all you want and when you have got it in your hot little hands there's nothing really worth watching.
We're all zooting about looking for someone who'll put up with us and our barnyard oddities, all beavering away at being beautiful and hoping one day we'll meet that rich character, whose led such a sheltered life as to find us fabulously interesting and willing to leave us Daddy's millions, so that when we cut the brake cables on the Benz and stand around in our blackest clobber at the funeral with the "Oh I'm so distraught.." face on, we can secretly think "Yay! Now I can hire people to play out all of my weird ass fantasies on a nightly basis AND they have to rub my back while fall asleep. Ha ha ha ! Take THAT ya dumb corpse!"
But the big question remains. Am I ready for love?
Or am I better off projecting my feelings on a sort of animal that has to love me or it doesn't get fed? (plus you if the animal in question shits you, you can always have them gassed. Not like people. Getting rid of them is a right pain in the arse......)
Indeed it can be hard finding Mr Hard. or that just right mix of special Girl who can knock up a strawberry sponge-cake from scratch then smear on herself and let you lick it off.
Then there's all that time in-between sex when you've got to talk about something or the the silence flaps in the air like a unwanted circus tent until the Footy comes on.
And there's putting up with all the baggage of the last lunatic they were involved in and in most cases, some sort of B-grade family version of the cast of "The Hills Have Eyes" to put up with at Christmas.
And that's before you both get knocked up and every spare moment of your lives is consumed with wiping shit off, sorting shit out or putting up with shit, just before getting your shit together to sort out the Ol' Pine Box.
But like Hoola Hoops, free to air television and those fruity cocktails with paper umbrellas, there remains some sort of unexplainable allure to finding that special person to get sick of.
Is it biology? Social contrivance? The act of some freaked out hippy God?
There's only one way to tell and that's to take this weeks highly informative and ultra revealing test.
The "AM I READY FOR LOVE OR AM I SOOO FUCKED UP FROM YEARS OF CONSISTENT ROMANTIC FAILURE THAT I MIGHT AS WELL SEND MY REPRODUCTIVE ORGANS TO SCIENCE AND JOIN SOME WELL MEANING COMMUNITY THING ON THE WEEKENDS WHERE I SPEND TIME WITH OTHER PEOPLE AND CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP AT NIGHT BECAUSE THEY ALL LOOK SOOO HAPPY AND I'LL NEVER KNOW THAT BECAUSE I'LL ALWAYS BE ALONE WITH MY DOG WHO NEEDS A HIP REPLACEMENT" quiz.
Lets fire this sucker up!
1) My last break-up could be compered to the following war atrocity
a) The Bombing of Hiroshima. A last ditch, scorched earth where there were no survivors.
b) The Siege of Stalingrad. A long, cold, bitter battle, with massive costs to both sides and no clear winner
c) The Invasion Of The Falklands. A short pissy nothing, but publicised beyond belief, with alot of parties taking sides on something that no one really gave a fuck about
d) The Cold War. No-one really knew what was going on, but I knew they were up to something.
2) My current relationship could be best described as
a) A hire purchase agreement with 12 months interest free
b) Mathematically probable
c) A sort of life imprisonment except I get to walk around late at night and help with the laundry
d) Currently before the courts
3) My ideal relationship is
a) Like every Julia Robert's movie, except Richard Gere has a bigger dick and Julia Roberts has bigger boobs
b) Like a really good porno, except occasionally we go out shopping or for a beer or something
c) Like a Aussie soap where nothing really happens, but just before ratings season the kitchen burns down or we get trapped under a wombat .
d) Like a Ren and Stimpy cartoon where we both have eyeballs that go boing.
4) Complete this sentence "Love is........
a) The result of a bunch of horny atoms who couldn't keep it in their electric pants"
b) God's way of getting us ready for Hell"
c) Better than my last job
d) Surprisingly expensive.
5) My Mr/Ms right would have to be
a) Cute as a button, horny as a junebug, funky as a monkey and cashed to the max
b) Upright with own hair
c) At least a second cousin. I won't be making that mistake again
d) A programmer in Berlin who works in the teledildonics field.
6) My ideal night with a new lover would be
a) French truffles served by a river, while some sort of snotty orchestra goes the hack and then a night of unrivalled erotic pleasure on some sort of water craft (not a fuckin tinnie or a paddle boat...)
b) A quick swipe of the credit card and my usual twins
c) Three E's and whoever is within groping distance
d) A pash and a quick feel behind the shelter shed.
7) I want to find a partner because
a) I have a lot of love to give and my rash has cleared up nicely
b) I'm sick of doing the dishes by myself
c) I need an alibi
d) I want to taste human flesh....err...umm...I mean.....you have a nice personality...yes...
8) I want to achieve the following with someone I love
a) To have travelled, laughed, got food poisoning, argued over train timetables in Prague, cracked the shits in four different languages, made up and got on with things, (because you wouldn't give my passport back), looked in their eyes and thought " Goddamn, I can't live without them. Shit.......I'm buggered now. Hungry too...."
b) To have managed to get back the Jade Monkey without interference from the Triads.
c) To have watched every episode of Buffy/Angel/Star Trek and tried ever flavour of ice cream with the occasional bonk when have to take the vids back to shop on Wednesday
d) To be allowed to have the top bunk on my birthday.
9) I am ready for love because
a) There's nothing on tele
b) My hand eye co-ordination is not good enough for ball sports
c) it was recommended by a friend
d) the dog died
O.k
How'd you go?
Once again I don't think i need to make any comments. That's what professional counsellors are for.
Til next time
Cheerio!
Mick " Oodles of doodle" Dog.
Welcome to the ongoing on-goings.
Love.
It's a bit like the remote control control.
When you haven't got it it's all you want and when you have got it in your hot little hands there's nothing really worth watching.
We're all zooting about looking for someone who'll put up with us and our barnyard oddities, all beavering away at being beautiful and hoping one day we'll meet that rich character, whose led such a sheltered life as to find us fabulously interesting and willing to leave us Daddy's millions, so that when we cut the brake cables on the Benz and stand around in our blackest clobber at the funeral with the "Oh I'm so distraught.." face on, we can secretly think "Yay! Now I can hire people to play out all of my weird ass fantasies on a nightly basis AND they have to rub my back while fall asleep. Ha ha ha ! Take THAT ya dumb corpse!"
But the big question remains. Am I ready for love?
Or am I better off projecting my feelings on a sort of animal that has to love me or it doesn't get fed? (plus you if the animal in question shits you, you can always have them gassed. Not like people. Getting rid of them is a right pain in the arse......)
Indeed it can be hard finding Mr Hard. or that just right mix of special Girl who can knock up a strawberry sponge-cake from scratch then smear on herself and let you lick it off.
Then there's all that time in-between sex when you've got to talk about something or the the silence flaps in the air like a unwanted circus tent until the Footy comes on.
And there's putting up with all the baggage of the last lunatic they were involved in and in most cases, some sort of B-grade family version of the cast of "The Hills Have Eyes" to put up with at Christmas.
And that's before you both get knocked up and every spare moment of your lives is consumed with wiping shit off, sorting shit out or putting up with shit, just before getting your shit together to sort out the Ol' Pine Box.
But like Hoola Hoops, free to air television and those fruity cocktails with paper umbrellas, there remains some sort of unexplainable allure to finding that special person to get sick of.
Is it biology? Social contrivance? The act of some freaked out hippy God?
There's only one way to tell and that's to take this weeks highly informative and ultra revealing test.
The "AM I READY FOR LOVE OR AM I SOOO FUCKED UP FROM YEARS OF CONSISTENT ROMANTIC FAILURE THAT I MIGHT AS WELL SEND MY REPRODUCTIVE ORGANS TO SCIENCE AND JOIN SOME WELL MEANING COMMUNITY THING ON THE WEEKENDS WHERE I SPEND TIME WITH OTHER PEOPLE AND CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP AT NIGHT BECAUSE THEY ALL LOOK SOOO HAPPY AND I'LL NEVER KNOW THAT BECAUSE I'LL ALWAYS BE ALONE WITH MY DOG WHO NEEDS A HIP REPLACEMENT" quiz.
Lets fire this sucker up!
1) My last break-up could be compered to the following war atrocity
a) The Bombing of Hiroshima. A last ditch, scorched earth where there were no survivors.
b) The Siege of Stalingrad. A long, cold, bitter battle, with massive costs to both sides and no clear winner
c) The Invasion Of The Falklands. A short pissy nothing, but publicised beyond belief, with alot of parties taking sides on something that no one really gave a fuck about
d) The Cold War. No-one really knew what was going on, but I knew they were up to something.
2) My current relationship could be best described as
a) A hire purchase agreement with 12 months interest free
b) Mathematically probable
c) A sort of life imprisonment except I get to walk around late at night and help with the laundry
d) Currently before the courts
3) My ideal relationship is
a) Like every Julia Robert's movie, except Richard Gere has a bigger dick and Julia Roberts has bigger boobs
b) Like a really good porno, except occasionally we go out shopping or for a beer or something
c) Like a Aussie soap where nothing really happens, but just before ratings season the kitchen burns down or we get trapped under a wombat .
d) Like a Ren and Stimpy cartoon where we both have eyeballs that go boing.
4) Complete this sentence "Love is........
a) The result of a bunch of horny atoms who couldn't keep it in their electric pants"
b) God's way of getting us ready for Hell"
c) Better than my last job
d) Surprisingly expensive.
5) My Mr/Ms right would have to be
a) Cute as a button, horny as a junebug, funky as a monkey and cashed to the max
b) Upright with own hair
c) At least a second cousin. I won't be making that mistake again
d) A programmer in Berlin who works in the teledildonics field.
6) My ideal night with a new lover would be
a) French truffles served by a river, while some sort of snotty orchestra goes the hack and then a night of unrivalled erotic pleasure on some sort of water craft (not a fuckin tinnie or a paddle boat...)
b) A quick swipe of the credit card and my usual twins
c) Three E's and whoever is within groping distance
d) A pash and a quick feel behind the shelter shed.
7) I want to find a partner because
a) I have a lot of love to give and my rash has cleared up nicely
b) I'm sick of doing the dishes by myself
c) I need an alibi
d) I want to taste human flesh....err...umm...I mean.....you have a nice personality...yes...
8) I want to achieve the following with someone I love
a) To have travelled, laughed, got food poisoning, argued over train timetables in Prague, cracked the shits in four different languages, made up and got on with things, (because you wouldn't give my passport back), looked in their eyes and thought " Goddamn, I can't live without them. Shit.......I'm buggered now. Hungry too...."
b) To have managed to get back the Jade Monkey without interference from the Triads.
c) To have watched every episode of Buffy/Angel/Star Trek and tried ever flavour of ice cream with the occasional bonk when have to take the vids back to shop on Wednesday
d) To be allowed to have the top bunk on my birthday.
9) I am ready for love because
a) There's nothing on tele
b) My hand eye co-ordination is not good enough for ball sports
c) it was recommended by a friend
d) the dog died
O.k
How'd you go?
Once again I don't think i need to make any comments. That's what professional counsellors are for.
Til next time
Cheerio!
Mick " Oodles of doodle" Dog.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Hello, Howdy, plenty of seat down the front.....
Hello Fans,
Well golly gorsh-a-lordy,
Its a fabulous day when a man can get out of bed, shake last night's dallience off the dunebuggy, suck back a body weight of the Columbian bean and start grinding down the fingertips in an attempt to reach out to my fellow fellows. (Even though you're not all fellows...damn....my first grammatical triple axle on cyber ice and I'm arse up with my frilly skirt round my earholes...that East German judge is gunna have a feild day..)
Why am I here?
Well it's a good question. I glad you asked (even If I asked for you via the voices in my head. Kill the President etc etc..).
Frankly it's this......I'm not quite sure what has happened to our lives but somewhere along the line things have become rather...how to phrases this...kinda stupid and misguded.
We live in an incredible time.
Why only a hundered years ago you wouldn't even be reading this. (Due partly to ongoing literacy concerns, the fact that computers were still called "bits of paper" and the Internet was still a guy with a really loud voice who yelled various cures for small penises from the town square on a Thursday, if he wasn't too drunk).
We'd be too busy scraping the smallpox off the cat in order to blow our out kidney down the mine or be staggering around with a few remaining teeth that were to be divided between our 14 lumpen children as a dowry.
I've seen pictures and heard the stories about it being a simpler time (very simple. If you survived childhood, you worked till you died. Much like the way we do now, but without airconditioning.)
Indeed there has been such a change in the way we live and look at stuff I wonder if there isn't a whole lot of crap (God, Nationalism, Romantic love, that old blender that only works on "dessicate") that hangs around our lives, serivng no good purpose, but we can't throw it out because Mum might come around and ask "Where's that sense of decency I gave you last Christmas? " and you have to make sure you get it out of the cupboard and put it on display next to the Agapanthus in order to make Christmas feels like last Christmas, which wasn't much chop because there were no surprises (except when Nan ran into the room and flung her false boob at the dog saying "Ged outta here, you parasite!". How we laughed.....).
So I suppose I'm here to get a little forum up where you can give yourself a stupid name (Flapdoodle43 is taken. Sorry) and maybe we can get some sort of yak about how we really feel about shit. And stuff. Or if we give a shit about stuff. Or a stuff about shit. Or if you can shit stuff. Or stuff shit.
So....let me kick this whole thing off with a new quiz that you might want to take.
Lemme explain...
Everywhere we turn thers some bloody do-gooder bastard hopping around on one foot telling us that the World is about to end, that Bird Flu is gunna wipe out Kentucky Fried, that the Terrorists are going to blow up your chicken coop and the Brittany will be back with a new, clean, strong Album. (shudder....).
We all feel this vauge nagging that maybe we shouldn't have invested in companies working on that new death ray that only eliminates people darker than your average solarium visit, but really and for true, are we working towards a better world? or when the blinding flash appears and the irradiated school bus of Zombie children arrive to chomp down on your delicious brains, will your last thought be "Thanks fuckin' Christ I don't have to go to work. Tounge my ring Westpac!".
So I'd like to ask you to take
The " DO I REALY GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ANYTHING OR AM I HAPPY PRETENDING I GIVE A SHIT OR DO I GIVE JUUUUUST ENOUGH OF A SHIT IN ORDER TO LOOK LIKE I GIVE A SHIT SO I DON'T GET BAGGED OUT FOR LOOKING LIKE I DON'T GIVE A SHIT?" quiz.
(Extra bonus points for brutal soul destroying honesty)
Lets start.....
1) An ad comes on the Tele full of starving African types. Do you..
a) Get out the credit card and say to the loved one "I'm giving up drinking until we attain food for all".
b) Change channel 'cause that Dude with his hotted up lawnmwer is gunna jump over a pool of Manta rays on "HardGardener".
c) Have a vaugue felling of unease, until you fart and then settle back in your chair wondering what was just on that ad you missed, coz you really needed to fart while it was on and it's hard do two things at once
d) Look up from your spa catalougue and wonder if you couldn't get some of them over to dig your foundations out on the cheap. I dunno...maybe for a box of Weeties.
2) Your current sponsership list would involve the following bodies
a) Oxfam, Unicef, Doctors without Boarders, The Heart Foundation, Shave for a Cure, etc
b) C.U.B, Coopers, Boags, Tooheys and Stella
c) Sony
d) That dude down the road who can get me a point for $20 and a freebie if I hook someone up.
3) You would consider the following World changing action for next year
a) Volunteering in a developing country and helping anyway you can
b) Getting one of those "Depressive Blockers" installed on your television that immiediatly changes channel when something nagging you for cash comes on
c) Putting on empty Milo tin with a "Help the etc's" sticker on it so you can have a beer on Friday paid for by the suckers
d) Scraping your leftovers into a Post bag and adressing it to to "Those fucked up lookin' Dudes. Africa or some shit".
4) In order to save the Planet you would
a) Use the car as little as possible, install Green power sources, get a communal garden going and find ways to work with your community to activate major change in your area
b) I dunno.....Vote for the Greens....maybe....although that Kerry Nettle looks like a dyke or something
c) Keep staying pretty and thin. It's really how you feel about yourself.
d) Get fuckn' wasted man. Some smart scientist fucker will like invent a fuckin toaster that runs on shit or something. Chill out for fucks sake. and like, if everybody starts saving the planet then it's just gunna go back to being like a fuckin' jungle and then I'm going to have to put up with your shit about being eaten by leopards and shit.
5) Which one of these is your Planet saving mantra?
a) Do what needs to be done now.
b) Only when the last fish has been eaten and the last tree chopped down will you be glad that there's a new Orange Roughy pizza at that joint next to Bunnings
c) This shit is soooo depressing....lets drive fast and go shopping! Yee har! I want a puppy!
d) well I'm undecided...maybe there's life on other Planets...the Universe is a big place...I just don't see why they need to terrorise buck toothed country folk and probe the mentally ill.....I'm sorry...what was the question again?
6) You would like to leave your (or other's) children a Planet that
a) Is being managed by large scale efforts to ensure the stable existance of humanity
b) has hot and cold running beer in every house
c) has moved to the Moon where it's Christmas everyday! (except on your birthday. Then you get to go Anti-gravity world and play on all the rides with Fuzzmo, the universe's cutest robot Monkey).
d) gets better moblie reception at cheaper prices
7) After completing this quiz, I resolve to
a) Rethink every aspect of my life and double my efforts to be as effecient as possible
b) Check out my new vid on YouPorn. My dick is soooo hot.
c) Get out the Pathfinder and run something over
d) Repack the cone
8) I think the biggest problem in the World is
a) massive inequality and selfishness
b) I can't get a root
c) I'm hungover
d) I'm broke
9) The cure for everything is
a) There is no simple cure. This is a long difficult process that has no clear way froward, but every effort must be made or we will witness apocalyptic scenes of death and disease that will make Hiroshima, the Black Plague and Big Brother look like Mrs Tigglewinkles garden scone party
b) Gettin' shitfaced
c) Winning Tattslotto
d) God, guns and gift vouchers.
Ok.
Howd you go?
I'm not the judgemnetal type (stop that sniggering you..) but i think it's pretty clear that given the choice we'd all be suckin' back the Champers in a spa bath while our Hummer get new spikey tyres (Or maybe thats just me.....) rather than poking about in the mud, trying to undersatnd global ecomnomics, planted some sort of Organic rice and returning to our methane powered, three light bulb domicile, while caring for some Sudanese refugee that won't shut up with that stupid clicky noise (It's sooooo annoying...) .
I'm glad we cleared that up.
Til next time
Cheerio!
Mick "Ooooh! The I want my Porsche to match my nails!" Dog
Well golly gorsh-a-lordy,
Its a fabulous day when a man can get out of bed, shake last night's dallience off the dunebuggy, suck back a body weight of the Columbian bean and start grinding down the fingertips in an attempt to reach out to my fellow fellows. (Even though you're not all fellows...damn....my first grammatical triple axle on cyber ice and I'm arse up with my frilly skirt round my earholes...that East German judge is gunna have a feild day..)
Why am I here?
Well it's a good question. I glad you asked (even If I asked for you via the voices in my head. Kill the President etc etc..).
Frankly it's this......I'm not quite sure what has happened to our lives but somewhere along the line things have become rather...how to phrases this...kinda stupid and misguded.
We live in an incredible time.
Why only a hundered years ago you wouldn't even be reading this. (Due partly to ongoing literacy concerns, the fact that computers were still called "bits of paper" and the Internet was still a guy with a really loud voice who yelled various cures for small penises from the town square on a Thursday, if he wasn't too drunk).
We'd be too busy scraping the smallpox off the cat in order to blow our out kidney down the mine or be staggering around with a few remaining teeth that were to be divided between our 14 lumpen children as a dowry.
I've seen pictures and heard the stories about it being a simpler time (very simple. If you survived childhood, you worked till you died. Much like the way we do now, but without airconditioning.)
Indeed there has been such a change in the way we live and look at stuff I wonder if there isn't a whole lot of crap (God, Nationalism, Romantic love, that old blender that only works on "dessicate") that hangs around our lives, serivng no good purpose, but we can't throw it out because Mum might come around and ask "Where's that sense of decency I gave you last Christmas? " and you have to make sure you get it out of the cupboard and put it on display next to the Agapanthus in order to make Christmas feels like last Christmas, which wasn't much chop because there were no surprises (except when Nan ran into the room and flung her false boob at the dog saying "Ged outta here, you parasite!". How we laughed.....).
So I suppose I'm here to get a little forum up where you can give yourself a stupid name (Flapdoodle43 is taken. Sorry) and maybe we can get some sort of yak about how we really feel about shit. And stuff. Or if we give a shit about stuff. Or a stuff about shit. Or if you can shit stuff. Or stuff shit.
So....let me kick this whole thing off with a new quiz that you might want to take.
Lemme explain...
Everywhere we turn thers some bloody do-gooder bastard hopping around on one foot telling us that the World is about to end, that Bird Flu is gunna wipe out Kentucky Fried, that the Terrorists are going to blow up your chicken coop and the Brittany will be back with a new, clean, strong Album. (shudder....).
We all feel this vauge nagging that maybe we shouldn't have invested in companies working on that new death ray that only eliminates people darker than your average solarium visit, but really and for true, are we working towards a better world? or when the blinding flash appears and the irradiated school bus of Zombie children arrive to chomp down on your delicious brains, will your last thought be "Thanks fuckin' Christ I don't have to go to work. Tounge my ring Westpac!".
So I'd like to ask you to take
The " DO I REALY GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ANYTHING OR AM I HAPPY PRETENDING I GIVE A SHIT OR DO I GIVE JUUUUUST ENOUGH OF A SHIT IN ORDER TO LOOK LIKE I GIVE A SHIT SO I DON'T GET BAGGED OUT FOR LOOKING LIKE I DON'T GIVE A SHIT?" quiz.
(Extra bonus points for brutal soul destroying honesty)
Lets start.....
1) An ad comes on the Tele full of starving African types. Do you..
a) Get out the credit card and say to the loved one "I'm giving up drinking until we attain food for all".
b) Change channel 'cause that Dude with his hotted up lawnmwer is gunna jump over a pool of Manta rays on "HardGardener".
c) Have a vaugue felling of unease, until you fart and then settle back in your chair wondering what was just on that ad you missed, coz you really needed to fart while it was on and it's hard do two things at once
d) Look up from your spa catalougue and wonder if you couldn't get some of them over to dig your foundations out on the cheap. I dunno...maybe for a box of Weeties.
2) Your current sponsership list would involve the following bodies
a) Oxfam, Unicef, Doctors without Boarders, The Heart Foundation, Shave for a Cure, etc
b) C.U.B, Coopers, Boags, Tooheys and Stella
c) Sony
d) That dude down the road who can get me a point for $20 and a freebie if I hook someone up.
3) You would consider the following World changing action for next year
a) Volunteering in a developing country and helping anyway you can
b) Getting one of those "Depressive Blockers" installed on your television that immiediatly changes channel when something nagging you for cash comes on
c) Putting on empty Milo tin with a "Help the etc's" sticker on it so you can have a beer on Friday paid for by the suckers
d) Scraping your leftovers into a Post bag and adressing it to to "Those fucked up lookin' Dudes. Africa or some shit".
4) In order to save the Planet you would
a) Use the car as little as possible, install Green power sources, get a communal garden going and find ways to work with your community to activate major change in your area
b) I dunno.....Vote for the Greens....maybe....although that Kerry Nettle looks like a dyke or something
c) Keep staying pretty and thin. It's really how you feel about yourself.
d) Get fuckn' wasted man. Some smart scientist fucker will like invent a fuckin toaster that runs on shit or something. Chill out for fucks sake. and like, if everybody starts saving the planet then it's just gunna go back to being like a fuckin' jungle and then I'm going to have to put up with your shit about being eaten by leopards and shit.
5) Which one of these is your Planet saving mantra?
a) Do what needs to be done now.
b) Only when the last fish has been eaten and the last tree chopped down will you be glad that there's a new Orange Roughy pizza at that joint next to Bunnings
c) This shit is soooo depressing....lets drive fast and go shopping! Yee har! I want a puppy!
d) well I'm undecided...maybe there's life on other Planets...the Universe is a big place...I just don't see why they need to terrorise buck toothed country folk and probe the mentally ill.....I'm sorry...what was the question again?
6) You would like to leave your (or other's) children a Planet that
a) Is being managed by large scale efforts to ensure the stable existance of humanity
b) has hot and cold running beer in every house
c) has moved to the Moon where it's Christmas everyday! (except on your birthday. Then you get to go Anti-gravity world and play on all the rides with Fuzzmo, the universe's cutest robot Monkey).
d) gets better moblie reception at cheaper prices
7) After completing this quiz, I resolve to
a) Rethink every aspect of my life and double my efforts to be as effecient as possible
b) Check out my new vid on YouPorn. My dick is soooo hot.
c) Get out the Pathfinder and run something over
d) Repack the cone
8) I think the biggest problem in the World is
a) massive inequality and selfishness
b) I can't get a root
c) I'm hungover
d) I'm broke
9) The cure for everything is
a) There is no simple cure. This is a long difficult process that has no clear way froward, but every effort must be made or we will witness apocalyptic scenes of death and disease that will make Hiroshima, the Black Plague and Big Brother look like Mrs Tigglewinkles garden scone party
b) Gettin' shitfaced
c) Winning Tattslotto
d) God, guns and gift vouchers.
Ok.
Howd you go?
I'm not the judgemnetal type (stop that sniggering you..) but i think it's pretty clear that given the choice we'd all be suckin' back the Champers in a spa bath while our Hummer get new spikey tyres (Or maybe thats just me.....) rather than poking about in the mud, trying to undersatnd global ecomnomics, planted some sort of Organic rice and returning to our methane powered, three light bulb domicile, while caring for some Sudanese refugee that won't shut up with that stupid clicky noise (It's sooooo annoying...) .
I'm glad we cleared that up.
Til next time
Cheerio!
Mick "Ooooh! The I want my Porsche to match my nails!" Dog
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