Hello Fans,
Well golly gorsh-a-lordy,
Its a fabulous day when a man can get out of bed, shake last night's dallience off the dunebuggy, suck back a body weight of the Columbian bean and start grinding down the fingertips in an attempt to reach out to my fellow fellows. (Even though you're not all fellows...damn....my first grammatical triple axle on cyber ice and I'm arse up with my frilly skirt round my earholes...that East German judge is gunna have a feild day..)
Why am I here?
Well it's a good question. I glad you asked (even If I asked for you via the voices in my head. Kill the President etc etc..).
Frankly it's this......I'm not quite sure what has happened to our lives but somewhere along the line things have become rather...how to phrases this...kinda stupid and misguded.
We live in an incredible time.
Why only a hundered years ago you wouldn't even be reading this. (Due partly to ongoing literacy concerns, the fact that computers were still called "bits of paper" and the Internet was still a guy with a really loud voice who yelled various cures for small penises from the town square on a Thursday, if he wasn't too drunk).
We'd be too busy scraping the smallpox off the cat in order to blow our out kidney down the mine or be staggering around with a few remaining teeth that were to be divided between our 14 lumpen children as a dowry.
I've seen pictures and heard the stories about it being a simpler time (very simple. If you survived childhood, you worked till you died. Much like the way we do now, but without airconditioning.)
Indeed there has been such a change in the way we live and look at stuff I wonder if there isn't a whole lot of crap (God, Nationalism, Romantic love, that old blender that only works on "dessicate") that hangs around our lives, serivng no good purpose, but we can't throw it out because Mum might come around and ask "Where's that sense of decency I gave you last Christmas? " and you have to make sure you get it out of the cupboard and put it on display next to the Agapanthus in order to make Christmas feels like last Christmas, which wasn't much chop because there were no surprises (except when Nan ran into the room and flung her false boob at the dog saying "Ged outta here, you parasite!". How we laughed.....).
So I suppose I'm here to get a little forum up where you can give yourself a stupid name (Flapdoodle43 is taken. Sorry) and maybe we can get some sort of yak about how we really feel about shit. And stuff. Or if we give a shit about stuff. Or a stuff about shit. Or if you can shit stuff. Or stuff shit.
So....let me kick this whole thing off with a new quiz that you might want to take.
Lemme explain...
Everywhere we turn thers some bloody do-gooder bastard hopping around on one foot telling us that the World is about to end, that Bird Flu is gunna wipe out Kentucky Fried, that the Terrorists are going to blow up your chicken coop and the Brittany will be back with a new, clean, strong Album. (shudder....).
We all feel this vauge nagging that maybe we shouldn't have invested in companies working on that new death ray that only eliminates people darker than your average solarium visit, but really and for true, are we working towards a better world? or when the blinding flash appears and the irradiated school bus of Zombie children arrive to chomp down on your delicious brains, will your last thought be "Thanks fuckin' Christ I don't have to go to work. Tounge my ring Westpac!".
So I'd like to ask you to take
The " DO I REALY GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ANYTHING OR AM I HAPPY PRETENDING I GIVE A SHIT OR DO I GIVE JUUUUUST ENOUGH OF A SHIT IN ORDER TO LOOK LIKE I GIVE A SHIT SO I DON'T GET BAGGED OUT FOR LOOKING LIKE I DON'T GIVE A SHIT?" quiz.
(Extra bonus points for brutal soul destroying honesty)
Lets start.....
1) An ad comes on the Tele full of starving African types. Do you..
a) Get out the credit card and say to the loved one "I'm giving up drinking until we attain food for all".
b) Change channel 'cause that Dude with his hotted up lawnmwer is gunna jump over a pool of Manta rays on "HardGardener".
c) Have a vaugue felling of unease, until you fart and then settle back in your chair wondering what was just on that ad you missed, coz you really needed to fart while it was on and it's hard do two things at once
d) Look up from your spa catalougue and wonder if you couldn't get some of them over to dig your foundations out on the cheap. I dunno...maybe for a box of Weeties.
2) Your current sponsership list would involve the following bodies
a) Oxfam, Unicef, Doctors without Boarders, The Heart Foundation, Shave for a Cure, etc
b) C.U.B, Coopers, Boags, Tooheys and Stella
c) Sony
d) That dude down the road who can get me a point for $20 and a freebie if I hook someone up.
3) You would consider the following World changing action for next year
a) Volunteering in a developing country and helping anyway you can
b) Getting one of those "Depressive Blockers" installed on your television that immiediatly changes channel when something nagging you for cash comes on
c) Putting on empty Milo tin with a "Help the etc's" sticker on it so you can have a beer on Friday paid for by the suckers
d) Scraping your leftovers into a Post bag and adressing it to to "Those fucked up lookin' Dudes. Africa or some shit".
4) In order to save the Planet you would
a) Use the car as little as possible, install Green power sources, get a communal garden going and find ways to work with your community to activate major change in your area
b) I dunno.....Vote for the Greens....maybe....although that Kerry Nettle looks like a dyke or something
c) Keep staying pretty and thin. It's really how you feel about yourself.
d) Get fuckn' wasted man. Some smart scientist fucker will like invent a fuckin toaster that runs on shit or something. Chill out for fucks sake. and like, if everybody starts saving the planet then it's just gunna go back to being like a fuckin' jungle and then I'm going to have to put up with your shit about being eaten by leopards and shit.
5) Which one of these is your Planet saving mantra?
a) Do what needs to be done now.
b) Only when the last fish has been eaten and the last tree chopped down will you be glad that there's a new Orange Roughy pizza at that joint next to Bunnings
c) This shit is soooo depressing....lets drive fast and go shopping! Yee har! I want a puppy!
d) well I'm undecided...maybe there's life on other Planets...the Universe is a big place...I just don't see why they need to terrorise buck toothed country folk and probe the mentally ill.....I'm sorry...what was the question again?
6) You would like to leave your (or other's) children a Planet that
a) Is being managed by large scale efforts to ensure the stable existance of humanity
b) has hot and cold running beer in every house
c) has moved to the Moon where it's Christmas everyday! (except on your birthday. Then you get to go Anti-gravity world and play on all the rides with Fuzzmo, the universe's cutest robot Monkey).
d) gets better moblie reception at cheaper prices
7) After completing this quiz, I resolve to
a) Rethink every aspect of my life and double my efforts to be as effecient as possible
b) Check out my new vid on YouPorn. My dick is soooo hot.
c) Get out the Pathfinder and run something over
d) Repack the cone
8) I think the biggest problem in the World is
a) massive inequality and selfishness
b) I can't get a root
c) I'm hungover
d) I'm broke
9) The cure for everything is
a) There is no simple cure. This is a long difficult process that has no clear way froward, but every effort must be made or we will witness apocalyptic scenes of death and disease that will make Hiroshima, the Black Plague and Big Brother look like Mrs Tigglewinkles garden scone party
b) Gettin' shitfaced
c) Winning Tattslotto
d) God, guns and gift vouchers.
Ok.
Howd you go?
I'm not the judgemnetal type (stop that sniggering you..) but i think it's pretty clear that given the choice we'd all be suckin' back the Champers in a spa bath while our Hummer get new spikey tyres (Or maybe thats just me.....) rather than poking about in the mud, trying to undersatnd global ecomnomics, planted some sort of Organic rice and returning to our methane powered, three light bulb domicile, while caring for some Sudanese refugee that won't shut up with that stupid clicky noise (It's sooooo annoying...) .
I'm glad we cleared that up.
Til next time
Cheerio!
Mick "Ooooh! The I want my Porsche to match my nails!" Dog
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment