Hello Fans,
Welcome to the ongoing on-goings.
Love.
It's a bit like the remote control control.
When you haven't got it it's all you want and when you have got it in your hot little hands there's nothing really worth watching.
We're all zooting about looking for someone who'll put up with us and our barnyard oddities, all beavering away at being beautiful and hoping one day we'll meet that rich character, whose led such a sheltered life as to find us fabulously interesting and willing to leave us Daddy's millions, so that when we cut the brake cables on the Benz and stand around in our blackest clobber at the funeral with the "Oh I'm so distraught.." face on, we can secretly think "Yay! Now I can hire people to play out all of my weird ass fantasies on a nightly basis AND they have to rub my back while fall asleep. Ha ha ha ! Take THAT ya dumb corpse!"
But the big question remains. Am I ready for love?
Or am I better off projecting my feelings on a sort of animal that has to love me or it doesn't get fed? (plus you if the animal in question shits you, you can always have them gassed. Not like people. Getting rid of them is a right pain in the arse......)
Indeed it can be hard finding Mr Hard. or that just right mix of special Girl who can knock up a strawberry sponge-cake from scratch then smear on herself and let you lick it off.
Then there's all that time in-between sex when you've got to talk about something or the the silence flaps in the air like a unwanted circus tent until the Footy comes on.
And there's putting up with all the baggage of the last lunatic they were involved in and in most cases, some sort of B-grade family version of the cast of "The Hills Have Eyes" to put up with at Christmas.
And that's before you both get knocked up and every spare moment of your lives is consumed with wiping shit off, sorting shit out or putting up with shit, just before getting your shit together to sort out the Ol' Pine Box.
But like Hoola Hoops, free to air television and those fruity cocktails with paper umbrellas, there remains some sort of unexplainable allure to finding that special person to get sick of.
Is it biology? Social contrivance? The act of some freaked out hippy God?
There's only one way to tell and that's to take this weeks highly informative and ultra revealing test.
The "AM I READY FOR LOVE OR AM I SOOO FUCKED UP FROM YEARS OF CONSISTENT ROMANTIC FAILURE THAT I MIGHT AS WELL SEND MY REPRODUCTIVE ORGANS TO SCIENCE AND JOIN SOME WELL MEANING COMMUNITY THING ON THE WEEKENDS WHERE I SPEND TIME WITH OTHER PEOPLE AND CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP AT NIGHT BECAUSE THEY ALL LOOK SOOO HAPPY AND I'LL NEVER KNOW THAT BECAUSE I'LL ALWAYS BE ALONE WITH MY DOG WHO NEEDS A HIP REPLACEMENT" quiz.
Lets fire this sucker up!
1) My last break-up could be compered to the following war atrocity
a) The Bombing of Hiroshima. A last ditch, scorched earth where there were no survivors.
b) The Siege of Stalingrad. A long, cold, bitter battle, with massive costs to both sides and no clear winner
c) The Invasion Of The Falklands. A short pissy nothing, but publicised beyond belief, with alot of parties taking sides on something that no one really gave a fuck about
d) The Cold War. No-one really knew what was going on, but I knew they were up to something.
2) My current relationship could be best described as
a) A hire purchase agreement with 12 months interest free
b) Mathematically probable
c) A sort of life imprisonment except I get to walk around late at night and help with the laundry
d) Currently before the courts
3) My ideal relationship is
a) Like every Julia Robert's movie, except Richard Gere has a bigger dick and Julia Roberts has bigger boobs
b) Like a really good porno, except occasionally we go out shopping or for a beer or something
c) Like a Aussie soap where nothing really happens, but just before ratings season the kitchen burns down or we get trapped under a wombat .
d) Like a Ren and Stimpy cartoon where we both have eyeballs that go boing.
4) Complete this sentence "Love is........
a) The result of a bunch of horny atoms who couldn't keep it in their electric pants"
b) God's way of getting us ready for Hell"
c) Better than my last job
d) Surprisingly expensive.
5) My Mr/Ms right would have to be
a) Cute as a button, horny as a junebug, funky as a monkey and cashed to the max
b) Upright with own hair
c) At least a second cousin. I won't be making that mistake again
d) A programmer in Berlin who works in the teledildonics field.
6) My ideal night with a new lover would be
a) French truffles served by a river, while some sort of snotty orchestra goes the hack and then a night of unrivalled erotic pleasure on some sort of water craft (not a fuckin tinnie or a paddle boat...)
b) A quick swipe of the credit card and my usual twins
c) Three E's and whoever is within groping distance
d) A pash and a quick feel behind the shelter shed.
7) I want to find a partner because
a) I have a lot of love to give and my rash has cleared up nicely
b) I'm sick of doing the dishes by myself
c) I need an alibi
d) I want to taste human flesh....err...umm...I mean.....you have a nice personality...yes...
8) I want to achieve the following with someone I love
a) To have travelled, laughed, got food poisoning, argued over train timetables in Prague, cracked the shits in four different languages, made up and got on with things, (because you wouldn't give my passport back), looked in their eyes and thought " Goddamn, I can't live without them. Shit.......I'm buggered now. Hungry too...."
b) To have managed to get back the Jade Monkey without interference from the Triads.
c) To have watched every episode of Buffy/Angel/Star Trek and tried ever flavour of ice cream with the occasional bonk when have to take the vids back to shop on Wednesday
d) To be allowed to have the top bunk on my birthday.
9) I am ready for love because
a) There's nothing on tele
b) My hand eye co-ordination is not good enough for ball sports
c) it was recommended by a friend
d) the dog died
O.k
How'd you go?
Once again I don't think i need to make any comments. That's what professional counsellors are for.
Til next time
Cheerio!
Mick " Oodles of doodle" Dog.
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