Do I look fat in this arse?

Hello fans,

Food.

There's no escaping the fact that most of us live to cram something tasty down the old cake hole.
Indeed, my Sainted Grandmother is quoted as saying "When you find me dead in the lounge room, for Gods sake, take whatever I'm eating out of my mouth before the ambulance arrives."
Sage words indeed.

But, (why is there always a but?) it seems that there's a shitful conflict in the world of gobstuffing.
Why does everything that tastes good (fudge, fried chicken, ice cream with cookie bits, double cream, triple cream, quadruple cream cream with fudge, cookie bits and sweet fried chicken etc.) tastes utterly fucking fabulous and all that shit we're supposed to eat (Grass, chaff, those shitful biscuits that taste like cardboard and soy sauce) taste better if you chucked them up?

And why is alcohol, the saving grave of this stoopid planet, also a no-no?
For heavens sake, surely some smart fucker can't invent beer that makes you intelligent and capably horny or chokky that keeps you looking young and virile? (Why are we wasting our time with this moon shit? Just cause you're in zero gravity won't make you're hot pants look any less like you're arse is halfway through eating a pair of track suit pants).

And why is it we have to feel so fucking conflicted about everything we eat? Why is ordering a meal when your in a restaurant a politically charged event that requires you to think "Will this make me fat and ugly so no one will ever want to fondle my pants ever again?" or "Was this dim sim raised in a free range environment so I can happily cram a dozen in my moosh and not have the fear that somewhere a mother dimmy is crying for her delicious children?" or "O.k If have the soup, I won't have dessert, because I'm reached my calorie controlled weight limit of "Sometimes" food, which means that if I order the broom stick salad and don't sip too much water I can have half a fuckin doughnut at Christmas".

And the Tele.
If it's not retarded fucking fatso's belly flopping into a pool of cellulite sucking leeches for cash, it's skinny idiots with stuck on smiles getting a top root coz they look good.
Have you ever sat in a room with any of these people?
Truly after five minutes you just want to eat them or at least shoot them. And then eat them. And them chuck that up and mail it to their relatives.
Bunch of pain in the fucking ass "I look great so there is no problem!" bunch of dipsticks, all feeling righteous in their fucking Lycra shorts, all too fucking paranoid to say "pork crackling" let alone buy a whopping great bag and stuff themselves stupid and flush it all down with Belgian beer made from glucose and sex.

So.....lets once and for all come clean about the whole debacle and take

The "Am I a meant to be skinny or am I just a fatso fooling myself? " quiz

Got a bag of nibblies? Start chomping!

1) When I order a meal in a restaurant I think

a) I'll have the oxygen salad in clean bowl sauce. No one will love me if I look like someone shaved Humphrey Bear.
b) I'll have the three bits of lettuce and only eat half. It turns my lover on to be able to touch my spine through my belly button
c) I'll have the half a banana with lone raisin bake. It's good to spoil yourself.
d) I'll have the cream of avocado soup, followed by the roast pork in Guinness gravy and then just back up that dessert trolley and keep your hands away from me. Fuck you all.

2) When I look in the mirror I think

a) I must get a bigger mirror
b) What the hell is that thing? It looks like an arse, but why is it on the front?
c) Hmmm....I seem to be wedged in this door way.
d) Do they still make those unisex girdles in size 26?.

3) When I'm at the pool i think

a) I'm safe in the knowledge I'm skinny enough to be sucked up by the filtration system
b) How many calories does air have? I notice i get fatter when I breath in....maybe I should have a throat staple like Victoria Beckham
c) I'd like to kill all the skinny people here and stomp around in a wine vat full of their entrails
d) I need a bigger Esky. Four roast chickens and a double pavlova simply isn't enough.

4) My favourite style of food is

a) Vomit
b) Low calorie environmentally friendly slimming pills made by the good people at rabbits arse.com
c) Just licking stuff and then scraping my tongue
d) Anything parmigiana

5) Complete this sentence. "My body is..

a) A filthy parasite from another universe who won't leave me alone and is constantly screaming for food, sex, warmth and shit that distracts me from surfing the universe on the cosmic waves of kick on. Oom mow ma mow mow oom mow ma mow.......
b) Like being encased in a cheap sleeping bag made from fat and poo
c) Like a lost dog who keeps waking up at night farting and needing a wee
d) Like a second hand car given to me by my parents in exchange for grandchildren

6) Complete this sentence. "If I could change one thing about my body I would change..

a) My D.N.A
b) My arse/boobs/dick/stomach/head/legs/eyeballs/face/internal organs/external organs/name and address
c) That dead parasitic twin on my neck
d) Everything into a cool robot that travels through time solving crimes and having weird online sex with intelligent gases from other planets

7) My last meal would be

a) A handful of nutritious berries and mushrooms that make you see God
b) Something that makes me shit something abundant and foul smelling
c) Something endangered and fuzzy
d) Just a salad. I've only ordered a size 8 coffin.

8) I choose restaurants by

a) The quality of the air freshener in the bogs and the sound proofing of the cubicles
b) The "All you can eat and a little bit more!" sign and the caramel spa
c) The fact you hunt your own game and make blood sausage at the table
d) The way It's across from Jenny Craig's. Fuck you, you fat losers! Bring me another boar!

9) When I make love to someone for the first time I

a) Make sure the room is dark, the person is blindfolded and I'm in some sort of doona cover with one or two strategic holes
b) Leave a courtesy bucket next to the bed in case my bag falls off
c) Make sure the ocky straps have pulled my folds apart far enough for my sexy bits to be within arm's length
d) Let them hump any fold they like

10) Complete this sentence. " Food is..

a) The opposite of pretty
b) Like Satan covered in icing sugar
c) Like some sort of magic pump for my arse
d) The secret ingredient in shit

Well how did you go? Lets face it, it won't be long before we're all eating each other in some sort of apocalyptic scene where only the fat will survive, so if I were you I'd get handy with a shotgun and turn to drugs.
You know it makes sense.

Til next time

Cheerio!

Mick "Fudgesmotherer" Dog