To Bloke or not to bloke?

Hello Fans,

Well its a brave new century allright.
Yes, I know..we didn't get flying cars or teleporters or cure arse cancer or disprove God or any of the cool stuff that was in the brochure.
I'm also painfully aware that this century is also looking pretty fuckin' similar to the last one, what with all the wars and famine and fucking dickheads (and stuff.)
In fact, now I think about it...it seems like this century is only different to last century in the fact that instead of a bucket of shit, we've know got a bucket of shit with a broken handle.
And the bucket leaks.
And the shit has been fermenting in aforementioned bucket for long enough to be noticed by passing aircraft.

Now...once upon a time, (if certain cusp of senility relo's are to be relied upon), a bunch of stand up blokes would have put the shoulder to the wheel and repaired the bucket, plugged up the holes, arranged for one of them to back the ute up and at least have moved the bucket away from the kids at the primary school across the road.
(Poor little buggers trying to eat their jam sandwiches and passing out on the hopscotch. That's not right).

But I can't help noticing that this is not being done.
I also can't help noticing that the current crop of blokes (hmmmm...how to phrase it....) are a bunch of fuckin idiots.
And it's not even the Ladies (who, lets face it, have been carrying on about it for some time) who are starting to get pissed off by this new crop of Spotty Herberts.
It's we old bastards as well.

Case in point-

1) A female friend of mine was doing a new acquaintance in the canine position when she noticed him vidio-ing proceedings and sending it to his cohorts. Poor form? I think so. A complete dog act. No pun intended.
(Well, actually that's a lie. I couldn't resist).

2) The same female friend then met another fellow and whilst they were enjoying a few quiet brews down by a urban river system, the gentlemen the produced a backpack, fossicked about and began to complete his knitting. (Yes, you read right. Knitting. I've asked a couple of ladies about this and they've all agreed that maybe when you've shacked up and you've both decided to knit for war orphans that this behaviour would win you lotsa brownie points. But not on a first date. That's just fuckin wrong).

And these stories keep rolling in......

Q. Did you're last boyfriend ever compliment you?
A. Yes. He said I looked hot when he was fucking me. (How gallant...)

Q. (To female friend) Hi Honey! How's it all going?
A. Yeah. Good. Except my boyfriend was two timing me, dealing smack from our bedroom and when I broke up with him he stole my credit cards and racked up $25,000 worth of debt. He's in Thailand now. Wanna cuppa?
(We'll have to share a tea bag..)

Q. (To another Female friend) Hi Honey! How's it going?
A. Yeah O.k. Except the guy I was seeing accidentally sent me a txt saying that after our date tonight he was going to "Pump that wog bitch fulla custard".
(I can only assume the lad in question wasn't hosting an informal cooking show).

And on they go..........

Now.....I'm not saying that it doesn't take two to tango. It most certainly does.
But when one of the partners (usually the one in possession of a cock) shows up to Samba classes an hour late, with big stoned eyeballs and spew on his cummerbund, we older menfolk's jaw get tight and we yearn for a simpler time, when a bunch of Uncles would show up to a young fool's house and give him a crash course in pleasantries and respect via the Dr. Knuckles poise and etiquette school.

So.....do you dare to take this weeks quiz?

The "AM I A STAND UP BLOKE OR AM I A FUCKING WASTE OF SPACE" ? Quiz

Cracked the top off a stubby?...you're gunna need it.....Lets dance!

1) I can do the following things

a) Split a block of wood, change a tyre, yell at a dog, change a tap washer, throw a punch, reverse with a trailer on, read a map, put up a tent, lift heavy objects, hold my liquor, piggy back children under ten for long periods of time, get a barbie going (including refilling the gas bottle), nail something together, tie more than four knots, thread a fishing line, gut a fish, load a gun, make anything edible given enough sauce, argue your point, bring a woman to orgasm (more than once), buy a new pair of pants, get along with the Missus's family, assemble furniture, kick a footy.

b) Program an Ipod, replace a printer cartridge, hook up speakers, know what right clicking a mouse does, handle a credit card, cook something containing more than four ingredients, buy Tampons, remember birthdays, bat a ball, wash something via a washing machine, wash a plate leaving no residue by hand, read instructions, know when to say "I'm pissed enough", chuck a convincing sickie, ride a motorbike, fix a pushy, build a billy cart, connect a DVD/or any other bullshit to the tele and use the new remote, wait in a shopping centre without looking like a lost dog.

c) Get to the Bottle-o before it closes, make a mix, own funny movies, have a nudie calendar, have casual sex, can put on a condom before things cool down, drive comfortably at 20kms over the speed limit, cheer up a mate, do something for nothing, eat yer better halves shit house attempt at a new recipe and look like you're enjoying it, bang out a tune on an instrument, catch a wave, euthanise an animal, bring the washing in, talk with other blokes, own a toolbox that's seen the light of day.

d) None of the above. Mum does all that for me.


2) My relationship with my father is

a) Pretty good, even though he shits me a bit when he pretends him and a mate invented non stick cookware on a fishing trip using Snapper guts.
b) O.k I have a timer on my phone that lets me know when I've done more than 45mins with silly old bastard and I can leg it off.
c) Yeah....allright.....we get along better when I'm as pissed as him
d) Still being defined by out sterling legal system

3) You are walking along when a building bursts into flames. A woman screams "My children are in there!" You're first action is to

a) Convert anything at hand into a sort of heat shield, smash your way to the nippers and fling them out on the lawn
b) Ring 000 and hop about from leg to leg
c) Get your phone out and get as much footage as you can before some other bastard sells it to Channel 7
d) I don't talk to strangers

4) My most bloke moment was

a) Winning the horse riding and wood chop double at the Natimuk show
b) Winning the Footy Grand final and finishing a slab
c) Getting the high score on Grand Theft Auto and whacking it up on Facebook
d) Watching Conan the Barbarian and not feeling aroused

5) My best mate is

a) Honga. When it comes to sticking pigs or reboring the block, there's no better dickhead to make you feel better about yourself.
b) Mick. He's up for a beer round the clock and can move furniture without breaking the Plasma.
c) Doug. If it's pirate downloads or advice on bicycle wheels he's your dude
d) Siebe. He's got perfect buns.

6) You've come into some cash and have a free weekend to do whatever you like. You

a) Get going on the bush block. There's every chance we can get the septic in if the weather holds (and I'm sick of shitting in a bucket. The handle's broken).
b) Fly interstate and catch up with old mate, get on the sauce and kick on old school style
c) See a band, rent some vids, get some drugs, order pizza, see if the ex is up for one last root.
d) Ask Mum if she wants to help me choose a new doona cover.

7) My attitude towards sex is

a) Get a good missus, who give ya a regular ride, doesn't want anything fancy and keeps herself looking o.k.
b) Yeah good. Not the be all and end all, but ya might as well get as much as you can while your dick still works
c) Awesome. It's fuckin' yakka sometimes but worth every cent
d) The Lord says this whole quiz is a mortal sin.

8) If I went to prison for life, the first thing I would do inside is

a) Find the hardest prick in the joint and shank him in the eyeball
b) Stand my ground and fight any bastard who had a go (I knew my Greco-Roman wrestling workshop would be worth the cash)
c) Read "How to relax and stop internal bleeding" as soon as possible
d) Share my feelings

9) I am happiest when

a) I'm out in the bush, cooking a freshly shot duck over a fire with a dog and a beer
b) I'm hanging on the couch with a good lookin' sort with an wallet fulla of cash.
c) I've just blown me load and a song I like comes on the radio
d) I've just swallowed my Prozac

10) Complete this sentence "Men today need...

a) A good kick up the arse, a stint in the Army and a rare steak
b) A bloody good look at themselves, a boot up the bum and boxing lessons
c) A boot in the arse and six months helping poor brown bastards in some shithole country get their blown up village together
d) A hand cream that prevents nail breakage


Well how did you go? Dick still there? I certainly hope so.
Now get outside and make yourself useful.

Til next time

Mick 'A gentlemen can still say cunt" Dog